
Signs of Abusive Partners And
Emotional Abuse
Abusers Consistently and Repeatedly
Make Mean Jokes, and Criticize and
Judge You Negatively
Abusers humiliate their
partners. They insult and
put you down both in
private and in front of
others as a method of
eroding your self-esteem,
which they hope will make you more
dependent on them.
Then, if you or someone else protests, they
will laugh it off and either claim that they
are “just joking” and that you have no sense
of humor or are just “too sensitive” ( 1 ).
In other words, they will hurt your feelings
and make your hurt your fault.
Abused Partners Feel Shame or Guilt
Most of the Time
Do you feel as if you’re doing something
wrong and you deserve rebuke from your
partner? Worse still, do you feel as if you
don’t even know what you’ve done wrong?
Brene Brown, the great researcher and
author, notes that there is a difference
between guilt and shame.
You feel guilt when you’ve done something
bad. You feel shame when you feel that you
“are” bad.
An abusive partner will find multiple
opportunities to point out what you are
doing wrong – as a way to gain a sense of
power over you ( 2 ).
Can you name 3 or 4 things your partner has
rebuked you for over the last week? That
would be a red flag.
Worse still is how an emotional abuser will
create a sense of “shame” in you – that vague
sense that you are not worthy, neither of
respect nor love – nor them.
A screaming red flag is when they tell you
that you are so “bad” that nobody else would
take or love you. This is how an abuser
creates the illusion that you are doomed to
be trapped with them forever, because that’s
the best you’ll ever get.
Abusers Refuse To Talk About Your Hurt
A healthy relationship is one in which you
and your partner feel free to express what
hurts, what scares you, what worries you – as
well as your hopes and dreams.
An emotional abuser doesn’t want to hear
about your pain, except to reinforce that you
deserve whatever pain you feel. That you’ve
brought it on yourself, or that it’s your
deserved destiny to feel bad about yourself.
If your partner indicates they have no time
to talk about what worries, scares or inspires
you, notice if it’s part of a pattern.
If they want you to wallow in your pain, or
feel as if you are chasing after them all the
time in order to connect, they are
manipulating your emotions to keep you
subjugated or “beat down”.
If you constantly feel guilty
in your relationship, but
you don’t really know why,
it might be because your
partner is encouraging you
to feel that way.
Does your partner always claim that
everything’s your fault? Are they incapable
of taking responsibility for their words and
actions toward you and others? Do you feel
bad when you spend time with your friends
and family?
If you answered, “yes” to any one of these
questions, then your partner is probably
habitually guilt-tripping you. Don’t fall for it
( 3 ).
This is just one of the many ways
emotionally abusive people will try to exert
their dominance over you, and it’s not
healthy at all.
Additionally, if they use the “silent
treatment” to punish you after a fight, or for
saying or doing something they don’t
approve of, or for no apparent reason at all,
then they’re being emotionally abusive.
Emotional Abusers Keep You on a Short
Leash
One of the most confusing things about
abusive partners is that while they shut you
down in person and “don’t want to hear it”,
they keep a close eye on you when you are
apart.
Too often, emotionally abused partners
mistake this behavior for “care”. But it’s not;
it’s control.
Pay attention to that gap between how much
they want to communicate when you are
around and their texting, calling and
checking up on you when you – or they – are
away.
Similarly, beware of angry or emotional
signs of “jealousy” when you talk to a person
of the opposite s*x or someone shows up on
your Facebook page.
This is not jealousy driven by care, but
jealousy driven by control. An emotional
abuser will make you feel guilty or evil or
shameful for simple, innocent interactions
with others.
Along the same lines, they will try to control
your spending as well as your social ties.
This is how an abuser reduces an adult to the
level of a child, cutting off their autonomy,
begging for money for the simplest things.
If they do, then ask yourself this crucial
question: does my partner treat me like a
whole, autonomous human being – or rather
only an extension of themselves?
If you feel as if they are putting you in this
second category, it’s up to you to decide if
that’s really how you want to continue to live
your life.
They Threaten You In Subtle Ways
Most people can identify a physical abuser.
It’s simple – they hit you.
But emotional abuse is far more subtle. Yes,
it’s more obvious when an abuser insults you
or threatens you. But because emotional
abuse is a sub-category of control, they will
often resort to other methods of threat.
Some will threaten to leave you – and blame
that choice on you. Some will threaten to
hurt or even kill themselves – and blame that
choice on you.
These are classic behaviors of abusers
because they exhibit different expressions of
one of their core traits: taking no
responsibility for their own choices while
wholly putting the blame of their own pain
or misfortune on the abused.
Abusers Keep You “Outside The Circle”
An emotional abuser will exclude you not
only from their heart, from their good will
and from their approval, they will also
exclude you from their activities.
If you feel that your partner is making plans
without you, if they are taking part in
activities without you and if they are keeping
secrets from you, disappearing and
reappearing at will while refusing to explain
their movements, you are likely in a
relationship with someone who is abusing
you in multiple ways.
Abusers Make You Doubt Yourself
Everybody feels self-doubt, sometimes,
which makes this behavior so destructive and
so effective.
Sometimes an emotional
abuser will deliberately lie
to you to confuse you and
make you doubt your
perceptions.
They will make you doubt their own
observations, memory and sanity.
Sometimes they will argue and wear you
down until you don’t trust what you know is
true.
Sometimes they will straight out deny what
you saw.
Sometimes they will attack your clarity, your
ability to tell right from wrong, your
intelligence and your good sense. They will
remind you of mistaken perceptions you’ve
had in the past or insist on how superior
their own intelligence is.
Whatever the tactic, the goal is the same: to
destabilize your sense of solidity, competence
and self-worth…
… which serves their ultimate goal: control.
Abusers Will Throw You Crumbs
Emotional abuse is about control. And part
of control is to keep you “off-center”. So
most abusers offer crumbs of love or
approval or compliments or buy you gifts in
order to keep you in their circle of influence
or under their thumb.
It is important not to mistake these crumbs
that mimic affection for actual affection,
which is evidenced by consistent behavior,
not occasional blips or gifts.
Note: most emotional abusers will
strategically create these momentary islands
of feeling good to keep you hooked. They will
surprise you with a meal or a piece of
jewelry or a sudden compliment or getaway.
They will overdo their apologies when they
feel as if their mask will fall away and reveal
the cruel abuser beneath.
This keeps the victim clutching onto the hope
that “things will change” and the love they so
dearly hope for will finally arrive and stay,
once and for all.
Emotional Abusers Giveth Then Taketh
Away
Someone who loves you will tell you “I love
you”.
Someone who is trying to control you will
make that offering of love conditional.
They will say, in one form or another, “I love
you, but…”
This is not a mere innocent qualifier. It’s a
cloaked criticism and, worse, a threat. It
suggests that the abuser’s love might be
yanked away at any moment.
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