A lot of women write to us begging to understand why their relationships always fail… why guys treat them badly…why they always get hurt…why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is these women are choosing men who clearly are not husband–or even relationship– material and hoping by some chance he’ll suddenly transform and be the knight in shining armor she wants. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.
Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he’s has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though his acting like a drunk idiot and getting away with it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry but no.
The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need . There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might think you need a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that wouldn’t be good for you, that wouldn’t fulfill your fundamental emotional needs
1. You Don’t Trust Him
Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.
If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout, that’s just exhausting.
Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated , maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.
If he cheated or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself in deciding if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a situation where you will always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.
If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut . Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of cheating/lying ex boyfriends past.
2. No Common Values.
In order to successfully share your life with someone, your fundamental values must be in alignment. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead.
Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle . It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.
If his values oppose your own, then this relationship is either going to be fraught with turmoil or you’ll have to make some serious compromises.
3. He Brings Out Your Worst
As I said earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best. The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to relationships that bring out their worst.
Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy, that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.
ALSO He Lack of Respect. Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.
The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, it shouldn’t drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work. However, no amount of work can salvage a toxic relationship
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